2 Men Talking

Have you ever had your horizon expanded? It seems to happen to me every time I go into the loo/shower and this morning was no exception except bigger and more earth shattering than ever before. I’ve uncovered a fiendish Government plop!

My first thought was that I really wanted to be an engine driver.

My second thought was that Marianne Williamson was right. We’ve got nothing to fear except fear itself. All down the ages, the people in power stay in power by perpetually keeping what they refer to as ‘the stupid masses’ in a perpetual state of fear, aided and abetted by the media. The thought just came to me as I sat there reading the paper, which is pretty advanced for a goldfish.

My first second thought (goldfish can only count up to two) was to look at how they’re doing it to us this very day.

I’ve decided to save the planet single handedly. I am revolting.

My second second thought was to take all the wisdom imparted by the fearpapers (controlled by the government) and generate my own zero tolerance carbon neutral footprint.

Right; first things first. Re. the headline on page 3. No more cow meat – aparently their farts produce 20% of the worlds methane. However, the big G recons that by genetically engineering grass they can dramatically reduce this output. I’m not too keen on this idea cos if They can do that to grass, imagine what they can do to other foodstuffs and anyway the food chain goes grass, cow, McD; and we could end up becoming genetically engineered to not fart in the living room.

Ah, but, as I was soaping myself, I had a sudden brainwave. At a stroke, I’ve solved the world’s energy crisis. This is going to blow you away.

Every cow will have a bung fitted to their arse whilst they’re out chewing the cud. When they come in for milking, not only will they be connected up to the milking machine, they will also produce Britain’s answer to sustainable energy supplies. In fact we’ll probably have so much of it, we’ll be able to add it to our enviable list of GNP enhancing invisible exports.

The fearpapers today are full of how we’re killing ourselves by eating things. Processed food manufacturers and supermarkets; being almost as powerful as government and media, have learnt the lesson vital to all successful marketing. Fear is Key. Yes; fear is the most powerful inducement to purchasing.

So, if your meal is going to be healthy, not make you fat, not cause you to consume vast amounts of alcohol to drown out the taste of e-numbers, produce good quality biodegradable stools, what must it consist of? Be very afraid of fat, sugar and salt cos they will kill you far quicker than starving to death. And drink more water. As long as it’s not polluted with caffine, sugar, acid and poison.

Like I said Hugo, this morning was a morning of great thoughts. As a humanistic, pacifist, planet saving, considerate kind of a bloke, I have brought the full force of my intellect to bear on the unenviable situation I have put you in; to wit; what can you eat that fulfills all the criteria I have laid before you for healthy living in an ecologically sound and sustainable manner?

Eat more newspapers delivered by David Cameron.

That’s a nice castle.