2 Men Talking

Thank-you Thank-you Hugo’s Hugo for your wonderful offer to become my agent in this daunting contest. However, I was concerned to see that you’ll stop at nothing to be at the top of the categories listing chart and although I’m always first to occupy second place (goldfish/butterfly in-joke) I felt I should exploit my genus/surname combination to thwart this hitherto unknown, now manifestly dark part of your underlying personality. However, as I was saying, I was overcome by your kind offer and sent my trousers to the cleaners.

We need to address the remuneration issue before it gets out of hand. Lettuce pray. And lots of it. I love it. Can’t get enuf of it. I think we’re considering big leaves here – let’s start at four pounds a week for openers with a killer gran incentive. Whilst I will make myself available for pubic appearances, I don’t want to suffer from over-exposure and premature burnout like many Goldfly stars.

Finally, and I’m so sorry to put you under pressure here Hugo, but I’ve only got two and one divided by two hours to live. Besides earning enuf to keep me into old age (thanks to you), I’ve got to have a shit, shower, shave, shampoo and shag, inflict jeans, have another cigarette (yes I’ll be more careful this time) before chrysalising. Who said male butterfly’s were incapable of multitasking?

I appreciate you’re a busy man and I deeply apologise for the near inundation in Norfuk, but I hope you registered that it was only 9mm away from being over the top! A pretty significant figure I hope you’ll agree – one does one’s bit in a National Emergency. Good job I’m modest in all other respects; otherwise I’d be demanding a standing ovation from the nation (shame I won’t have time to publish “A lifetime of other rhyming couplets” before I shag, but that’s life I guess).

Time flies – so must I.