2 Men Talking

Dorset Police are looking for the driver of the 39 bus who, with malice aforethought, yesterday did sting a passenger for his fare before callously running him over. Other passengers were cautioned by the thought police for including in their description of the perpetrator as him being ‘a nasty Nip’. The offender was last seen wearing an all-in-one black wet-look suit, and a lesbian dinosaur (Likkolottapuss) was sure she heard the name Claude mentioned.

Would anyone with more information please contact this site. We are anxious to trace anyone who either saw this tragic incident, or is suffering serious mental health problems as a direct result of reading this report and feels unable to book themselves in as a voluntary patient.

Thank-you for your attention.

Why is it that the first thing most women do when they buy a paper or magazine is flip straight to the horrorscope section? When I sit in my favourite coffee shop, watching faces gradually dissolve into shades of dismay or even misery, it makes me wonder whether the words they read under their sun sign predictions become a self-fulfilling prophesy to be lived out over the rest of the day. So I retrieved my weekend paper from the firelighter pile, and checked out my own.

Aparently I had a shit weekend. Irritated by workmates, interpreting things others say as criticisms, in a restless mood because my boredom threshold is low and getting too close to things so that I’m unable to see the big picture, I had a right ole time! Might as well jump off a cliff now! Fortunately, my weekend was nothing like that. But it could have been if I’d believed my horrorscope. And if I’d read it now and selected any fragments or facts that supported those predictions, I might be able to become yet another avid reader of tripe in the future.

When I taught body language, I would refer the class to the infamous four minute interview – where interviewers make up their minds about a candidate in the first four minutes. I then advised the class to cut that assessment time by 236 seconds, the length of time it takes a shortlisted candidate to cross the room to sit in front of the panel. First impressions will have been formed regarding confidence and competence without a word having been spoken. And in spite of the speed with which these first impressions are formed, it takes a great deal of subsequent evidence-based discussion to cause a review. And that’s with a good interviewer; there are many that spend the remainder of the interview only collecting ‘evidence’ to support and confirm their initial ‘diagnosis’ of the candidate, whilst ignoring any facts that don’t support their four second analysis! Body-language is that powerful.

Since our body language mirrors our thoughts, and thoughts can be changed, that would seem a good place to start. But not only that, because our thoughts also mirror our body-language, you can please yourself which you choose to change first, for either will follow the other!

Would you know if you had Mercury in Uranus? Makes a difference. And Pluto in your Aquarium?

So here’s what I’ve done for my horoscope for today. I’ve created my own by taking a squeeze of Gemini, a soupcon of Leo, a liberal dash of Libra and a grande portion of Sagittarius. And guess what? My horoscope is fabulous, and that’s exactly what sort of day I’m going to have!!!

Providing I don’t get run over by a bus driven by a Scorpion, cos they’ve got a shit Monday like my weekend was supposed to have been.

After reading my last few blogs, I decided to make a mental note of any thoughts that anyone else might think of as strange. And then forgot all about it. Until a couple of friends of mine came over for the weekend.

Bill and Jean came over from Hampshire. As my latest ebook has just gone into the best-seller charts (Hysterectomies for Men) we went over to Weymouth seafront for a long walk before a celebratory lunch.

All the way down the promenade, there were posters advertising Monkey World, the Aquarium and things like that. I was fascinated. They had a picture of just an apes head and it was as if I could tell exactly what his (or her) thoughts were. Within seconds I was totally absorbed. As a wave of sadness came over me (because of the ape’s captivity), I looked at another segment of the same poster with a youngster and a monkey looking straight at the camera. Bill had gone walking on ahead, so I asked Jean what she thought these two were saying to us and went on to make-up the dialogue that I thought they were having. Although she was a bit reluctant at first, we were soon in fits of laughter and the strangest thing. We soon had a small crowd, and the kids especially were making their own suggestions and everyone was hooting with laughter.

Next to the Monkey World poster was one for the Aquarium. There were various tropical fish in the foreground and a diver peering directly into the camera lens. Slightly further back in the picture, unseen by man and fish presumably, was a shark with his mouth open displaying a particularly vicious-looking set of teeth. The camera had obviously caught the shark mid-sentence. It only seemed polite to ask the now gathered crowd to complete the two conversations, the one between man and the tropical fish; the other voicing the sharks thoughts on the matter. We had parents trying to drag their children away with some kids still contributing from twenty yards away, others shouting to make themselves heard, Jean and I curled up with laughter, and a friendly policeman coming over to see what all the fuss was about, whilst evidently trying not to laugh himself.

Sometimes I think I’ve never really grown up. I’ve often found men quite difficult to relate to, preferring women friends because they seem to have so much more depth and humour. But the most wonderful people on the planet are kids because they’re so unaffected and natural. And they laugh. Lots. And it’s the most exhilarating sound in the world.

Other people utterly fascinate me. I utterly fascinate me. And when I mix the two together in real conversation, I’m totally absorbed. Minutes pass like seconds. I’ve never met anyone who isn’t absolutely amazing. I’ve met lots who don’t know how amazing they are. And that’s what turns me on, floats my boat; that eureka moment when someone suddenly realises just how wonderful they really are. That’s my ‘job’. And I love it. I’m a really positive, Positive Therapist.

And probably a little mad!

So I went for a walk up the side of Big Dick (Cerne Abbas Giant). The wind was blowing gale force and the sheep were gathered together, lying down in the lee of the summit, looking at me pityingly. But I had their full attention.

I asked them if they’d like to do some Laughter Yoga with me cos quite frankly, they all looked pretty miserable. One or two of them nodded their heads so I started into my warm-up routine. I could see that they were starting to enjoy it; some were even standing up by now, no doubt feeling the need to fully ventilate as they began to laugh.

Now I’m not stupid; I know the difference between “Baaah” and a magnanimous approbation is fairly difficult to detect, but I was sure they were really getting into a jovial mood until one sheep with a black eye mask who was obviously in charge, uttered a pretty malevolently dismissive “Baar” and shit itself. In an instant, the rest of my audience lost interest, and to add insult to injury, black-eye turned to it’s mate and with a sardonic lip curl just said “Baaa Baaa” as if I was Ali in the Piddletrenthide Panto which opens in March next year. Which is true.

But that’s not what really upset me. The two word condemnation was stoically accepted by it’s mate before it uttered something that I didn’t quite catch by way of reply. I think I was meant to hear, but a sudden gust of wind dissipated the words to the four corners of the world (eh!). And now I’ll never know. I do know that the look on it’s face was full of compassion and I’m sure I detected a modicum of something else.

The look on that face will haunt me till my next lamb stew.